Frustration

I am so frustrated right now.  My mom informed me that she would no longer be helping me with daycare, and that’s fine.  I talked to my baby’s daddy about it and he offered to watch our daughter, but she loves daycare.  She has a blast there with her friends and Maria is so very good with the children.  For two days a week, 8-9 hours each of those two days, our daughter runs, plays, and learns.  It also is good because my baby’s daddy gets sick from time to time, as we all do, or something happens and he can’t watch her its nice to know that I have a third day of daycare at my disposal. I knew continuing to pay for daycare would hurt financially, but to me it is worth the tightening of the pocketbook.

That being said, I’m a little frustrated with my baby’s daddy.  He KNOWS that I’m having to watch my funds.  This past weekend I was so proud of myself for shopping sales and making it out of a grocery store with (pretty much) everything I needed and some extras, with the bonus of being $27 under budget.  I was even able to afford some ice cream as a special treat for us.  I had picked up two weeks worth of breakfast and things to make and bring for lunch, for both home and work.  So please consider my frustration when I go into the refrigerator to get out my things only to find that the 8oz package of Colby cheese is no longer there, and the 18 pack of eggs I had bought only have three eggs left in them.  This stuff was supposed to last for two weeks, and they disappeared overnight.

To be fair, I *believe* the cheese and the eggs (4 of which I had used over the weekend so that means 11 eggs were used) went to the makings of a frutatta(?), I believe that is what it is called.  Anyway, i know eggs are involved and I believe cheese, and he did say there was left-overs in the refrigerator for dinner…but if I had known how many eggs would go into the frutatta, I would have asked him not to make it.  There are other things that can be made.

Then, there is the cake mix that he asked if he could make, and I said yes.  Instead, he makes the brownie mix that a friend gave me to try.  I was going to make brownies and use the heart shaped cookie cutter on them.  So imagine my surprise when I get home one night and not only is there a pan of brownies in the refrigerator, but that it is over half gone.  Stupid me thought I would eat one the next day after work, but when I got home from work they were all gone.  I didn’t even get to try one.

The same thing happened to the bag of chips I had bought for lunch.  I’m *trying* to save money so I’ve started making sandwiches on the weekends for lunch, and now the weekdays.  I had bought a big party size bag of Garden Salsa Sun Chips since they were on sale, and I love them.  So Saturday, after I’ve made both me and my daughter’s sandwiches for lunch, I go to get the chips and they are gone.  He had eaten them all.  When I asked him about it he said he didn’t realize I hadn’t gotten any.  Seriously?

I’m sure this has been going on for a while, but before when I was noticed I was low on something, or something disappeared, I had the funds to go to the store the next day and replenish whatever supply I needed, but now not so much.  The fact that I had to have my apartment sprayed for pests didn’t help.  That was $134 I really couldn’t afford to spend, but it had to be taken care of and, since my land lord can be a bit of a jerk, I decided to pay for it rather than go through him.

So all in all, I’m frustrated.  I did vent a little via text message, and of course I haven’t heard from him any response (and I won’t, not regarding this issue), but I feel like I’m in a tough situation.  I did tell him that he is welcome to anything when he started coming over to watch our daughter.  This isn’t his home, but while he is here taking care of our daughter, and helping out with the cooking and cleaning, I do try to be hospitable.  If there is something I know he likes to eat on sale, I’ll pick it up for him.  Like, those hot and spicy noodles he gets at the 99 cent store, they were on sale for .88 cents each, so I picked him up a couple…or the Yuban coffee I’ll pick up because he prefers it to the flavored coffee I like.  It’s no big deal and its obviously not a huge amount of money, and I do want him to be comfortable here…but I think there is an element of consideration and common sense he isn’t using, or is ignoring, that makes me feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

To me, if a dish is going to take a whole 8oz block of cheese and 75% of the eggs in the refrigerator, ask before you use everything.  If there is something you would like to make, let me know to pick up extra eggs, cheese, milk, seasonings so everything is budgeted for and taken into account.  Eat in moderation, and please don’t eat me out of house and home!  He does help, but not enough for me to be ok with this.

He does vacuum, do the dishes, clean the stove top, take out the trash, and he will help with the litter box….but it’s hit or miss.  I’d say about 80% of the time he is here he helps out in some way, but about 30-40% of that time its, I vacuumed but didn’t get to this today, or I started the dishes but was unable to finish them.  Today I have a migraine and I don’t feel well, but when I got home he said that he didn’t have time to vacuum, he left the dishes in the sink..and the side that was soaking he had apparently poured coffee in so the dishes were soaking in coffee water and now the sink is all stained and disgusting.  The litter box hasn’t been touched.  The stove top was clean though. So tonight, with a migraine, I vacuumed, put the dishes drying in the dishwasher away, washed the dishes that were in the sink (after draining the sink and having them soak a bit in clean water), cleaned the sink and then put ajax on it to try to bleach out the coffee stain (so gross), made lunch, made dinner, and packed baby girl’s bag for daycare tomorrow.

Since writing the word “tomorrow” at the end of the previous sentence, I have given our daughter a bath, got her all ready for bed, cleaned out the litter box, and wiped the kitchen counters down with a Clorox wipe.  I’d take out the bathroom trash but I thought I was going to take it easy when I got home since I’m on my migraine meds and they make me not feel well (although I feel much better than if I had a full-blown migraine) so I changed into my nightgown not too long after I got home.

I guess the crux of the problem is this: I have no problem buying little things here and there for him, but I feel like he isn’t really pulling his weight.  I have asked him countless times to please put up the curtain rod in baby girl’s room. I’ve asked him numerous times to take the blinds that WERE up in her room down to the storage compartment in the carport, but they are still on the floor of the room.  Mind you, I’ve been asking him to do this stuff since May of 2013.  He doesn’t pay child support and yet I can count on one hand the number of food items or things he’s bought to help out.  I feel like I’m paying him to watch his own daughter.

I guess I’m just frustrated.  Thanks for letting me vent. Its time for me and baby girl to brush our teeth and go to bed.

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Princess Rachel

Princess Rachel wakes up in the morning.  Mommy is there to greet her as soon as she opens her eyes to the morning light.  Princess Rachel gracefully yawns and stretches, then daintily rubs the sleep from her eyes before greeting her Mommy.  Her eyes light up with the smile that adorns her face as she says, “Wake up! Wake up!  Dinner!” Princess Rachel crawls to the edge of the bed, climbs down, and races for the door yelling “Eggs!” as she opens the door and enters the room filled with toys.

Her mother turns on her favorite show, Sofia the First, as she passes through to the kitchen.  Soon the small apartment is filled with the sound of Disney singing, the smell of eggs and sausage, and the sight of Mommy’s little princess playing with her favorite toys in the warmth of the morning sun.

After breakfast, Mommy puts Princess Rachel into her favorite gown so she will be comfortable and warm playing in the toy room.  Mommy goes through her mental check list of things that she needs to do and/or any engagements that she may have agreed to that day.  Since her memory resembles that of Swiss cheese with way too many holes, Mommy shrugs and does whatever chores she has in the time available before she has to get her Princess and herself ready to go outside and face the world.

While Mommy does her chores, she pauses every now and again to watch her little princess in her pajama gown and jewelry.  She smiles as her little princess holds her dress out to the sides as if to curtsy, but instead wanders around the living room (aka, toy room), turning so her pajama gown will twirl like a real princess dress.  Princess Rachel catches Mommy watching her, and runs to her Mommy declaring “HUG” as she wraps her little arms around her Mommy’s legs.  She then dances away and goes back to playing with her toys and twirling around the room.

After Mommy has gotten ready for the day, she goes in to pick out what her princess will face the world in and starts on the task of getting her princess ready.  Princess Rachel looks up at her Mommy and smiles, then she says, “Poopy diaper,” as she pats her behind.  Mommy faces the daunting task of changer Princess Rachel’s diaper, but bravely gets everything she will need to complete her new task.  While changing Princess Rachel, the princess looks at her and inquires, “Stinky poopy diaper?”

“Yes”, Mommy confirms, “Stinky poopy diaper”.

When the task is completed and the evidence properly disposed of in the biohazard canister that has been placed in the kitchen (aka – trash can), they gather up their things and prepare to open the door. “Do you know what is outside?” Mommy asks Princess Rachel.  Princess Rachel looks up at her expectantly, knowing that Mommy is going to tell her.  “Adventure,” Mommy says. “You never know what is going to happen when you step outside your front door.”  With that, Mommy and Princess Rachel step outside….

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Control Issues

My mother has never been able to control me.  She couldn’t when I was a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager, an adult…never.  I was always a constant source of frustration with her, one that she has commented on all growing up.  I did what I wanted regardless of what she said and she was powerless to control me.

I have expressed in previous posts my thoughts and feelings about growing up with my mother.  How, though I never felt that she didn’t love me, I felt that she didn’t accept who I was.  Instead of letting me be who I am, she was always criticizing me, comparing me to the other girls.  I told her to stop when I was about nine or so, and she got a lot better at not comparing me to my peers, but she didn’t stop.

“Why don’t you take care of yourself?” “You need to lose weight, you’re not healthy.”
“This is what I would do if I were you…”  “You look good in that, it makes you look smaller.” “You should wear make-up more, you look better.”  “why don’t you curl your hair?” “Why are you so crazy?”

Really, I could go on.  I don’t suppose those are things that most mothers don’t say to their children, but when you never felt like you had your mother’s approval, that you were always a source of disappointment, those things are a reminder of the child your mother wanted, the one she didn’t get.

Adoption is a tricky thing.  You can match a child to a home by skin color easily…black to black, white to white, Hispanic to Hispanic, Asian to Asian.  I am Spanish and Cherokee, my mom is German and Irish and my dad is French and English.  I have fair skin that has a reddish tint, we all have brown hair, fair skin, and mostly the same mannerisms that tie me in with them.   I remember when I found out I was adopted and told people, everyone was so shocked because everyone always said I look like my mom….and I do, if you don’t look too close.  Unfortunately, its hard to match a child to a home that will fit in personality.

My family is very normal, and in comparison I am very not.  I like dark things, I am fascinated by things most people try to ignore (I have a slight fascination with serial killers and the people that hunt them).   I like horror movies, Dean Koontz, and british comedy.  I am what people call “quirky” or “eccentric”, I am sarcastic, cynical at times, and people say I’m a bit wild which I still don’t understand because I think I’m pretty boring.

I like to drive fast (except when my baby is in the car, then I drive like a grandma), I like to explore, and I’m not afraid of people so I can be fairly outgoing if I’m in the mood to be.  I’m spontaneous when I can be (which means, m-f is routine, but weekends are up for grabs), I like to fight (in the ring), and I like to color with my child.

I don’t see anything wrong with this, but my mother does.  I have always been wrong, and she has always tried to control me.  I brought this up to her one time, and I asked her why she tried to smother all the traits that she praises me for in adulthood.  She said that she was concerned for me.  I didn’t have very many friends growing up because I had such a big personality and was a bit…different.  The girls in my elementary school didn’t like to play Star Wars with the boys, and that was my favorite thing to do.  I don’t know if my mom was more concerned that I didn’t have very many friends, or that the friends I did have were boys.  Who cares, that was 30 years ago.

It just amazes me that it seems she still tries to control me, and I’ll be 40 next year.  Admittedly, I don’t make a lot of money, and mom has been helping me with my daycare, which is $400-500/month for part time ($100/week).  Not A LOT of money, but really more than I can afford.  Well, mother has become concerned with my spending habits, and she says that she learned in Al Anon that by giving me money for daycare, she is enabling me to be financially irresponsible.  In order for her to continue giving me money for daycare, I have to show her my bank statements every month.  Its something she WANTS to do for me, but she thinks its hurting me right now.

I smiled and nodded and said I understand.  After our talk I gave her a hug and a kiss, told her I love her, and tried to enjoy the rest of the weekend because I didn’t want her to see me freaking out.  I was able to put it out of my mind for the most part, because I had decided when she was telling me her conditions for helping me with my daughters daycare that I wasn’t going to do any of the things she wanted me to in order to keep receiving her help.  See, in my head, if you want to help someone you help them, but you don’t give them conditions.

I will be the first to admit that I am not the most financially responsible, but I make sure all my bills are paid.  Sure I buy things I don’t need, but I’m not running out spending money on crack.  I take my daughter to Pretend City, buy decorations for her room, I buy my clothes at the thrift store and buy her clothes on ebay because I can get the stuff I want for much, much cheaper.  I shop the sales.  I will, however, prefer to buy my daughter clothes than take my car in for an oil change.  Its just more fun.  My bills are rarely paid on time, but I’m never more than a week or two late, and its not because I don’t have the money to pay them, but because I forget, or remember and just am too busy to get onto the computer…..and then forget.

The loss of the money from my mom every month shouldn’t prevent my daughter from continuing daycare, but its going to make things much tighter around here.  I’m not going to be able to afford all the extra’s for my daughter that I have had the luxury to afford with my mom’s help. I have spent the day applying for part time remote coding jobs, something I can do at night and/or weekends to supplement the loss.  We’ll see what happens, but I’m NOT going to show mom my bank statements, and I’m NOT going to ask her for money.  If she asks I’m going to say I’m fine and I don’t need it.

I’m also not going to let this ruin things between them and my daughter.  I will still go up there once a month so they get to spend a weekend with their grand-daughter, and I still love my mom.  I will admit that I am hurt.  Ever since I began coding and advancing in my career, mom has been telling me from time to time how proud she is of me.  That she loves me and that she is proud that I am her daughter.  That she is proud of the mother that I am to my daughter.  What hurts is that this new situation makes me feel like that she didn’t mean anything she said.

 

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Yes, I still nurse my baby

I still nurse my baby, who isn’t really a baby anymore.  In fact, she turned two in August.  I always said I would stop when she was one, then it became when she was one and a half, then I SWORE I would have her weaned by the age of two.  Yeah, well, that obviously hasn’t happened.  Why?  WHY hasn’t this happened yet?

I console myself saying that its only at night, its only so I can get her to sleep.  Being a single parent, I only have night-time help one night a week.  That one night a week is my coffee night and she is usually asleep by the time I get home.  We sleep together though, especially now since she is too big for her pack n play at her dad’s, which is why I think he is staying over at my place instead of going to his mom’s on his overnight nights with his daughter.  That and his mom is going to have back surgery soon and is in a lot of pain so he doesn’t want Rachel there bothering her….but either way, he is at my place on his overnight stays which I’m fine with since that means I get to snuggle with my daughter every night of the week.

The joy of having my baby 7 nights a week means that I cannot fall asleep until she is asleep.  Like I said, my coffee nights aren’t a problem, but on the other six nights I am up until she is asleep, which needs to be early enough that I get enough sleep so I can get up and function the next day.  If she isn’t out by 9pm at the absolute LATEST, I’m a grumpy Mommy.   Hell, if she isn’t out by 8:30pm I’m starting to get grumpy.  One of the ways I get her to fall asleep is by nursing her to sleep.  By nursing her she is laying down, still, comfortable, and relaxed enough to drift off to sleep.  Still, it takes about half an hour for her to fall asleep, but that is usually because she is jumping on the bed and wants to play.  Once she is settled and having her “yummies,” she is usually out in 10 – 15 minutes.

I must say, its a little disconcerting when your two year old asks for “yummies,” and when I respond, “you want yummies?” she says “yes, please.”  Go ahead, tell me that’s not weird.  It certainly feels weird to me, but still I don’t want to stop nursing her.  Why?  I believe it goes much deeper than being able to have it as a sleep aid crutch at night.  I am honestly starting to believe it goes back to me being adopted.

Yeah, I know, doesn’t everything come back to that with me?  Hear me out, though.

When I was born I was given to my biological mother to nurse, which I did that one time.  That one time was a bonding moment though.  Then I was given to foster care for two months, and then given to my family.  There is a picture of me not long after they got me, I was a little over two months old I think, where I am looking at them like, “Who the hell are you?”  Yes, I know I have discussed this as a reason for my general distrust of women growing up, but I think this also impressed me another way.  That picture made me wonder….was that the last time I ever felt truly safe?  Was that the last time I felt truly secure, when I was being held by my biological mother?

So now I have a daughter of my own, whom I breast feed.  I project feelings onto her, I think.  When I nurse her, I am so filled with love.  It really is a strong bonding moment when we are snuggled up in bed and she is nursing while safe and warm in my arms.  I imagine that she enjoys nursing so much not because its yummy milk, but because its a security blanket.  I imagine that when she is nursing she knows that everything is ok, that her Mommy is here so she is safe and protected.  Likewise, when she nurses I know she is with me, and therefore safe and protected.  Its not that act of nursing that I am attached too (haha, how punny of me), but the feelings and the security that come with it.

I don’t know how I am going to cope with having to separate that feeling from that act so that I can have her completely weaned before too long.  My goal is to have her weaned by the time she is 30 months….but we’ll see what happens.

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Anger Issues

Today had not been a good day.  Actually, nothing has gone right since I got home on Sunday afternoon.

1. The bathroom door was closed the whole weekend while me and baby girl were out of town, which means the living room was their litter box. (yes, it was gross)

2.  I messed up at work.

3. I was so excited about ordering Les Mills Combat dvd player and starting it today, that I lost it when I couldn’t play the dvd on ANYTHING.

4.  I broke my phone when I had my fit.  Threw it against the wall and the screen shattered.

5.  The dvd player may not have survived my anger, but it doesn’t work anyway so oh well.

6.  Rachel witnessed this.  I did put myself in time out saying, “Mommy threw her phone, Mommy gets a time out.  Mommy shouldn’t throw things.” Rachel came and gave me a hug (awww) but still, she saw it.

7.  When I went to Sprint thinking I could just give THEM $150.00 for the deductible on my phone and they would just give me a new one, I found out they couldn’t.  When they connected me to the insurance I couldn’t get a person.  I asked the guy if I could talk to a person he seemed surprised I wasn’t and put the phone on speaker.  He said, thats a person.  I said no, thats a phone tree.  I got mad at Sprint for being worthless and left in a huff, even though it wasn’t the poor guy’s fault.

Today has not been my day and I am fed up.  I wanted to rip the DVD player out of the entertainment center and jump up and down on it.  I wanted to take my tv and throw it down the stairs.  I am still a pissed off bundle of angry bitch, even though I’ve calmed down,  I am angry, I am frustrated.  I want to go back to kickboxing and I can’t because they don’t have daycare there and with Rachel’s daddy’s schedule there is only one day a week I can get there so why bother paying about $800.00/year for something that I may or may not get to do.

I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I was so angry I didn’t want anything to do with Rachel.  She came up and hugged me and it was all I could do to not push her away.  I was angry, and even though it had nothing to do with her she was in my way. So I hugged her back and gave her a kiss on the cheek.  There was really nothing else I could do.

Rachel’s daddy tries to help.  He suggests that I start running.  I don’t want to run.  Running bores me.  I grew up in a family of runners and athletic people.  Running isn’t for me.  I like sports.  I like DOING things.  I like kickboxing.  Its the only thing I have ever been able to do consistently for a long period of time.  I’m not talking long period of time as in per workout (though at one time I was working out for three hours a day at the dojo), I’m talking about something that has kept me coming back again and again for years because I ENJOYED IT.

I am just so frustrated on so many levels.  I try to not take it out on Rachel or let her see it, but today I failed.  She saw me lose my temper, and yes….I yelled at her today.  It made her cry.  Nothing makes you feel like absolute shit faster than making your baby, the love of your life, cry.  I am very angry today though, and she can feel it.  She has been very sensitive to me today after I got frustrated.  So I give her lots of hugs and kisses.  I don’t want her to think that she is the reason for any of this.

So right now she is sitting on my lap watching Caillou on Sprout TV while I sit at the computer and try to figure out what I can do to not let this happen again.  Interestingly enough, I think the last time this happened I got a migraine a few days later and I think at that time I had remembered this has happened before, my losing my temper and then getting a migraine a few days later.

We’ll see.  I’ll edit this post in a few days saying whether or not I got a migraine.  Not that it is an excuse for my behaviour, but maybe if it is a trend I can notice it and take measures to calm down before it gets this bad again.  I’ll put this on my calendar and start tracking my anger moods.  Regardless, I need to not let this happen again.

I feel like a complete and utter failure right now.  Messed up at work, nothing got done at home, not chores or exercise.  I lost my temper and made my daughter cry.

Tomorrow hopefully will be a better day.

 

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Out of Control

Once again I am in a place where I have to address my shopping problem.  I have actually tallied up all the money I have spent in the last 3 months on clothes for my daughter, and it isn’t pretty.  Nor can I really afford it.

Thankfully, its not all been in one chunk but things bought here and there….on ebay.  Ebay is my evil foe in the fight to save money.  You see all these cute clothes and think, “WOW, That’s cheap!  I’ll buy it now!”  Or even worse, “I’ll bid on this item and see how cheap I can get it!”  Who can pass up a new pair of jeans and cute shirt for $5.00 on Ebay, right?  Then the bidding war starts and you get that email saying “You have been outbid by $0.50,” and then it hits you….you HAVE to have it!  Next thing you know you’ve spent about $15.00 on a really cute outfit that, though is still a good deal, you really didn’t want that badly.

So here it is, my new addiction is a collection from last fall by Gymboree called “Butterfly Girl.”bboots-tile  These are some of the articles I have bought from the collection, pictures taken from images found online.  Isn’t it cute?!?!  And my baby girl will look so cute in it!  Though my purchases in general have been cheap….it hasn’t been as cheap as I thought it had been.  Not when you total everything up, that is.  You see, its easy to say that you bought everything for under $100.00 when you’ve forgotten that though each time you went on an Ebay shopping spree the total was less than $100.00, you’ve gone on three or Ebay shopping sprees.  That usually adds up to more than $100.00.

So, here is that damage I have done to my checkbook on this collection over the past three months: $246.96.  Now, $13.23 of that was for shipping and handling before I found that lovely “free shipping” filter, but still…Wow.  WTF?  Who knew all those cheap purchases could add up to so much!

To make myself feel better I tallied up what I would have spent if I had  bought those same articles of clothing off the Gymboree website on sale.  Ready??  $478.73! I added tax at 8.25% which came up to $36.48, but that still means I would have spent $442.25 on the clothing I bought on Ebay.  So, I basically saved $200.00 by shopping Ebay.

I’m still not happy with myself.

So here it is: I have put myself on restriction.  No more Ebay for 30 days.  No internet shopping AT ALL for 30 days.  Start your betting pools.  I’ll post on whether or not I made it on September 26th, 2013.

Wish me luck!

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It Seems Like Only Yesterday….

It seems like only yesterday that I was woken up a little before 4:30 in the morning by the call of nature….only to notice that my water had broke.

It seems like only yesterday that I was holding her for the first time.

It seems like only yesterday that I brought her home to our tiny, one bedroom apartment.

081820121Yesterday, it seems, has turned into yesteryear twice over, and I don’t know how it happened. One second I’m hold a tiny, fragile little body in my arms, and then I blink and those little legs are now hanging over my arms. The little body that fit so snug in my arms is now all arms and legs of her own. The little baby that used to laugh and coo while lying on her floor gym is now running away laughing, waiting for me to give chase.

My Little PumpkinThe baby the used to squeal in delight over anything and nothing, still squeals in delight but now yells, “Look!” The baby who used to toddle down the hallway now runs with long legs in sneakers. The baby who I would kiss and tuck in at night now has a baby of her own that she insists on kissing on the forehead and tucking into our bed at night, making sure the blankets cover her, before she lets me tuck her in.

New Years Walk 2013She dances to all kinds of music, and it doesn’t matter where we are. She sings to me from her car seat while we drive home from daycare. She cooks in her pretend kitchen, and if I leave my shoes on the floor in the living room, she puts them away for me. She still can’t sit through a story but she loves to look at books. She grabs my hand and has me sit down so we can play or color in her notebook. She loves to play in water.

Meeting BumblebeeShe is very curious, and very sweet. She will hug her friends when she sees them, and she says Hi and Bye to everyone she sees. If someone looks upset she will see if they are ok. My little angel, however, does have a little devil in her too! She throws tantrums, but will turn it into a smile and a laugh unless she is tired. She throws her food on the floor, or on the couch, if you aren’t watching. If you tell her she can’t have something she has already grabbed, she will throw it on the floor in defiance as if to say, “If I can’t have it neither can you!” Sometimes, she doesn’t like to share.

031120131She has her Mommy’s indoor voice (which means she doesn’t have one), and her Daddy’s gentle disposition. She has her Mommy’s curiosity, and her Daddy’s watchful eyes. She has her Mommy’s temper, and her Daddy’s obsession with cell phones and computers. She has taken her Mommy’s smile and made it her very own. She has taken her Daddy’s eyes and put a mischievous little twinkle in them. She has taken from us and made something wonderful that is completely her own.

063020131It is amazing to watch her grow. It is amazing to realize that she has grown so much! I am full of wonder and curiosity over the kind of person she will become, but at the same time I try to enjoy each day I have with my little girl and try not to blink too often. I’m afraid the next time I blink, when I open my eyes she may be graduating from college!

 

 

 

 

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