I think I’m pretty amazing.
I do not mean to sound arrogant, but I do actually think that of myself. I look back at my life and see how I’ve grown from the many, many mistakes I’ve made with family, friends, and men. I look back and realize that these many mistakes were made because of my own sense of entitlement, my naivete, and out of just plain-old stupidity.
I went from being an entitled brat raised in an upper-middle class neighborhood to a really hard working single mom. I didn’t get everything I want, but I certainly didn’t want for anything and had a childhood I personally know several people wished they had themselves: vacations every summer, pool in the backyard, private school, tutors, whatever I needed I had. Whatever I wanted (within reason) I got for Christmas or my birthday. I was spoiled, plain and simple.
I expected it when I was kicked out, and I didn’t care. I moved to Arizona and came back in a year and within four months I had been disowned but with a parting gift: the money they had saved for me for college. Yup, I was a trust fund kid….for a year. A year is how long it took me to blow that money, not that there was an incredible amount of it….enough to buy a brand new car. Not anything fancy like a Lexus or a Mercedes or anything, but a nice four door sedan like I have now, a Hyundai or a Toyota.
It took many years to get to where I am with my parents today. There were a lot of bridges that had to be mended and there were a lot of heartfelt apologies on my end. It took being poor and working at fast food as my primary employment to understand what it meant to work hard and appreciate what I had, and to understand that I would need to work harder to get where I wanted to be, which at that time really just amounted to one thing: not poor. While mending my bridges with my family I worked hard, and realized that fast-food was not what I wanted to do forever. I got a part time job at a small hospital and went back to school on my own.
It took 8 years for me to re-take the classes I had failed my first year of junior college as well as take the additional classes to get my A/A degree while I worked at the hospital, but I did it. The hospital introduced me to the world of coding and on a whim I took a test and passed because I wanted to be an inpatient coder, and I have spent years working toward that goal. I have worked and studied extremely hard for the last 14 years to become the best coder I can be, and I am proud to say that I am damn good at my job.
Not everything goes as planned, but I was blessed with a gift I didn’t even know I wanted and have discovered a love I’ve never felt before, and it scares me to pieces. Still, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my little girl and she is the motivation for every upward movement in my career. See, I really enjoy what I do, but if it weren’t for having her, I would still be happily at where I was two jobs ago. I have been lucky enough to be able to make strides in my career that have enabled me to support my daughter. We have everything we need, and someday I hope to be able to have a place to call our own.
This is why I think I’m pretty amazing. Thinking back at the stupidity of my 18 year old self and seeing the mistakes I’ve made and everything I’ve been through, and to be able to see how I’ve grown from them, I’m amazed. Things could have gone much worse in so many ways if life hadn’t slapped me around a bit and made me pull my head out of my ass.
That being said, if I’m so amazing, why doesn’t anyone else see it? I’ve never asked for a pat on the back from anyone and that’s not what I want. I just wonder why men don’t see where I’ve been and how far I’ve come and…I don’t know. Care? I guess I’m getting to a point in my life where I want that one special guy to look at me and think that I’m amazing. I guess in order to get that I would actually have to date, which based on my romantic history leaves me with more of a feeling of dread than excitement. Maybe it’s because the choices I’ve made where men are concerned have not been in my own best interest.
Although I’ve not been entertaining the idea of dating yet, I know it’s coming soon because otherwise I wouldn’t have this weird desire to see a man looking at me like I’m special, like I’m….amazing.