I feel like a single parent. I know I am one, but tonight I FEEL like one and this makes me sad. Rachel’s daddy doesn’t feel like he’s a Daddy to me, he feels like a babysitter. It was hard to pin down why, I mean, He obviously loves his little girl and is always willing to take her if I need to do something or if I just call and say, “Would you like to have Rachel for the day?”
He HAS said no once, just last week. I had a faculty meeting to attend Wednesday night so the faculty could meet their new IR coder, and Rachel’s Daddy and I had agreed the week before that he would take her Wednesday night instead of Tuesday night because I wouldn’t be getting home until about 8pm as the meeting can run as late as 7:30pm. That Monday night he texts me that he has his boys Thursday night and asks if she can stay over Thursday as well to get brother time, either that or she goes to daycare on Friday as he cannot come over early in the morning since the boys will be with him. Me and Rachel were already in bed by the time the text came through so I didn’t actually read it until Tuesday morning.
I become upset because I already feel like I miss out on so much and I tell him that I feel like I’m being punished for having a job (he doesn’t have one). I don’t say no because I can’t. The week before when we decided on the next week’s schedule change he had said he would be picking Rachel up from daycare on Wednesday. I don’t ask why, its really none of my business, but I figure he has reason for picking her up from daycare on Wednesday instead of coming over in the morning and since I pay for 3 days of daycare its no big deal as Wednesday is the third day. When he texted me that it was either overnight on Thursday or daycare on Friday I got really upset because: 1) I really want her to have a relationship with her brothers, and 2) for every day she is at the sitter’s after the third day it costs me $35/day. I can’t afford that.
So I’m upset, I feel trapped, I tell him I feel like I’m being punished and basically everything else in the above paragraph, and then he asks why he is picking her up from daycare on Wednesday and isn’t he going to be there that morning? I told him that he said he would be picking her up from there that afternoon the week before so that is what I was going with. No response from him, so I think and think throughout the day and come to two possible solutions to my dilemma. So I text him around 2pm (6 hours after the morning conversation) and say if he is willing to be there Wednesday morning like he implied, and would be willing to watch her at my place that day, how about changing the overnight to Thursday? His response, “Um… Crap… Could do that but already made plans assuming she would be with me overnight Wednesday.”
Seriously? Wtf? Why the hell did he even ask in the first place? And you know what I would do in that situation where I had made social plans on a night where I could have all three of my kids together? That’s right, change the fucking plans.
This is why I feel like a completely single parent and he doesn’t feel like a father to Rachel to me. His watching Rachel is completely at his own convenience. To be fair, he is at my place before I go to work Thursday and Friday mornings, but he couldn’t be bothered to watch her 5 days a week when I went back to work like he said he would. Apparently, Mondays were a problem and he could never be there on that day. Also, I invite him and his boys and extend the invite to whatever to Lori and her kids whenever we are doing something public, like Pretend City or some other kid friendly thing. He has NEVER showed. He would rather miss out on time with his daughter, and have her brothers miss out on time with her as well, and do things with just his girlfriend and her kids (and his) than have us all hang out together. I very much doubt we would even hang out together! I would be following the kids everywhere.
This is why he doesn’t feel like her Daddy to me, it doesn’t seem like he makes her priority. In fact, I’m starting to believe that he only comes over on Thursday and Friday mornings because he’s afraid I will take him to court if he doesn’t. He is right, I would in a cocaine heartbeat. He’s already made it clear that we are not friends, and I am fine with that, but I am NOT ok with him being a father just when it is convenient to his social calendar. I want to yell at him because it feels like he and his sons are missing out on weekend time with Rachel because he doesn’t want anything to do with me when he is with his girlfriend, yet he feels comfortable enough to bring her to Rachel’s birthday party without telling me.
I tell myself that it is his loss, and if he can’t pull his head out of his ass then that’s his problem. When Rachel is older and asks why Daddy would rather spend time with just them and not have us all do something together I am going to take her to him so HE can answer the question, I don’t care if he is living at his mom’s or with Lori, he will answer that question and I will be right there so he doesn’t give her some bullshit answer. And when she cries because whatever he has to say will hurt her (though I’m sure he’ll probably say he asked if he could have her but mommy said no so it will be all my fault) I am going to punch him after she has left the room, or some other time if I can’t do it without her seeing it. Just one hit for breaking his daughter’s heart.
I have given Rachel’s Daddy a lot of leeway, and everyone from family members, to friends, even both my therapists that I have had since I found out I was pregnant have said I bend over backwards for him to make sure he gets time with Rachel. My response has always been the same; I want her to have a relationship with her father and her brothers, family is important to me.
Well, family will always be important to me, but I sure as hell am not going to invite him and his boys anywhere anymore. I put everything on Rachel’s calendar and have shared it with him so he can check and see what we are doing on the weekends and if he wants to come he can ask.
I have also defended him to people, which I am no longer going to do. Rachel’s Daddy doesn’t help as much as I make it sound to some people, though he does help cook and/or clean sometimes (less often than he used to). I’m not one that likes to talk bad about people to other people (I will, obviously, vent about them on WordPress) so if someone comes up to me and tells me what a loser Rachel’s Daddy is, I’m going to shrug and change the subject. I am not going to try to promote a negative image of him, but I will say this: People have been calling him a loser to me for a long time and I never thought that of him, I just thought he has had an emotionally difficult life. Last week I changed my mind. Last week he became a loser to me.