I read a blog today. One, single blog entry brought me to tears and made me cry harder than I have in weeks. It was sweet and sad and terrifying all at once.
What blog could bring me to tears like that? What blog could make me immediately go to my baby girl, who was happily playing on her floor gym, pick her up and hold her so close, so tightly? What blog had me holding my baby girl while bawling my eyes out with heart-wrenching, soul-jerkin sobs for the better part of a half hour?
For the curious: healinganaya.blogspot.com
Read the 11/14 entry.
No parent should have to bury their child. This mother held her daughter at birth, and held her as her last breath left her body. Its beautiful, sad, and terrifying at the same time.
Beautiful because this woman was blessed with time with her little girl for 26 months. It brings to mind Sally Fields’ character in Steel Magnolias after her daughter dies and she says that she was there when that beautiful child entered this world and she was there when she left it.
Sad because this woman, who loved her child so much, watched her be born, live, degenerate, and die in so short a time. There was nothing she could do to save her child, she could just care for her and love her for as long as she could.
Terrifying because I have a little girl, and this blog reminds you that infants, children, are not passed over by death and tragedy. That they, too, can die.
I cried my eyes out not for the mother who lost her child, but for myself. I bawled at the thought of losing my baby, by sickness or tragedy it doesn’t matter. The thought of her not being there in the morning, of not being the first thing I see terrifies me. The thought that I wouldn’t be able to look into her eyes and see her smile or squeal in delight makes me hurt so much.
She is my reason for living, my reason for breathing. She is the reason my heart beats. Nothing else matters, as long as she is healthy and happy. If something should happen to her, I think I would lose the will to live. My body would cease to function and my soul would go in search of her so we could spend eternity together.