I’ve dreamed about him almost every night for the past 2 weeks. He’s not in whatever plotline that’s going on in my head, but he’s always in there somewhere making an unwanted cameo.
His appearances are subtle, never a main character but always somewhere in the background or, at most, an unscripted character not important to the scene in any way, but getting a little more attention from my subconscious camera.
Sometimes he is facing me, sometimes I see him passing by or walking away, and once he was huddled in a corner of a room somewhere, his back to me, hunched over like he was cold. I always recognize him immediately. Its so easy, I know his form so well. I have never forgotten the way he moves, softly, patiently, but always alert….like a panther ready to pounce. He was always beautiful to watch.
Sometimes its his familiar slouch, they way he stood to try to hide his height, as if that were possible. Other times its the back of his head, his hair always short, and his ears just very slightly sticking out. He was always self conscious of his ears. I loved his ears. I loved everything about him,especially his eyes.
His eyes were always intense, always focused, and it hasn’t changed in my dreams. It doesn’t matter where he is, how far away he is, or how crowded the area is, if he is facing my direction, we always make eye contact. His eyes hold me still, even in dreams. Those cold eyes.
When I see him, I feel that way again, the way I always told myself I would never let anyone make me feel again, even though in the end, someone else did. That is neither here nor there. In dreams, that person doesn’t exist, only those green eyes exist. Those beautiful green eyes.
I suppose he’s there symbolizing my insecurities, reminding me that I am unwanted, undeserving of respect, unable to be truly loved by a man. I am the one its ok to lie to, the one its ok to hurt. I am worthless. His presence screams this to me, and I wake up sad, alone, and worried that someday my daughter will think that of me too, or worse, someone will think that its ok to treat my daughter that way.
I hope she is never made to feel that way, and though I do hope she gets her heart broken (only so she may appreciate true love when she finds it), I hope she finds the love I never could, and lives happily ever after.