Today is a bad day, emotionally.
Today I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed for a couple of hours, not because there was any pain to keep me there, or because I was still tired (which I wasn’t), but because I didn’t want to. There was no reason for me to, nothing to look forward to, there was just nothing.
I am angry at myself because I’ve slacked off on the cleaning again, so my apartment is filthy. I am angry because it seems like such a hassle for me to put on my gloves and my face mask to clean out the litter box, and then sanitize everything I have touched afterward because I’m afraid of getting Toxoplasmosis. I am angry at myself because I’ve yet to seriously look for a new place to live. I am angry at myself because I haven’t started going through my things, seeing what needs to be boxed up, what needs to be given away, and what needs to be thrown away.
I am depressed. I am depressed because of where I am, and what I don’t see in my future. Everything just seems hopeless.
I am frustrated because, for the first two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I had to fight with my family to justify keeping my baby, and it was a battle I had to wage alone. I am frustrated that now that I have told people, they are congratulating me. Now I have to appear happy, and accept their well wishes with a smile on my face and laughter and hugs, when inside I’m wondering what the fuck they’re congratulating me on? My friends know how I feel about all of this, but I can’t hardly tell everyone how miserable I am because I’m afraid they’ll put me away. New moms are supposed to be happy, and glowing, and full of life….and inside I just want to lay down and die.
I got up because I had to, I needed food and supplies. I am eating because I have a baby in me to feed, and am working (will be as soon as I’m done with this rant) because not only does it give me some sort of purpose, but because I have a baby that will need food, clothing, and shelter. I am doing all of this because its what I have to do because I have a baby in me.